The Guilt Worm's Appearance

One morning as I lazily strolled into my office complex trying my best to fake repentance for being late yet again, and trying even harder to appear as if in a hurry, I glanced drooling at the attractive display board of a french cafe that seemed to have opened recently. "La Boulangerie" I read aloud, in a fake and probably very incorrect french accent. And so that cafe became a delightful item on my to-do list.

I went there yesterday. A friend and I in fact. And I've been trying to lose weight. Thinking of that, I get the feeling I've been doing that since I was in my mother's womb. No. May be I'm wrong. May be I died fat in my previous birth. I'm still working on it. Mind you.

Ok. Detour. Apologies.

The stuff on display was so inviting. I did not care to think I was never going to achieve the feat of being able to see my

toes, without bending over. So we ordered. Not garishly. Just sensibly. One at a time till we reached satiety. And went right past that. I think I've got a rule in friendship. I only make friends with those who love food. We almost always catch up over food. And we never order diet cokes or salads.

When we finished I felt a little guilt worm tugging at my heart. And so did she (my friend I mean). But it did not matter. There was reason to celebrate ( and when there's no reason, we're eating cos we're depressed. It's a conspiracy if you did not note.)

The worm now has my whole heart in its claws. But i give myself time. Four days. I'm finally settling down. I 'm going to do something about the excess kilograms. And I certainly don't want this to be my dying wish.

Even more of me!!

Today has been a ridiculous day for the following ten reasons:(don't blame me for this text book style. I've just been reading too much of it lately)

1. My granny and me did not say a word to each other, had our meals independently although we were not in a fight. This would have otherwise fallen under the head of 'cold war'. But since there was no 'war' per se, I'd just say, things were cold.

2. Speaking of the cold, the rhino virus seems to have tracked me down, just when I thought I had outwitted it and escaped. My nose seems to vie for the spot of water body with largest number of tributories.

3. I learnt a bit about mergers and amalgamations. Apparently the terms mean the same under the Companies act 1956, but the Income Tax Act, just got smarter! Its distinguishes the two.

4. In a long time now, I stopped checking my phone every ten seconds to see if there was a missed call or message. I've improved from what I was- there was a time when calls even from HSBC bank call centre were welcome. That provided the only proof that my cell phone performed the basic funtion of ringing!

5. I have not given my Activa a bath. Its something I've been procrastinating for days! Thank God automobiles don't suffer from body odour!

6. I had tomato flavoured top ramen with olives. The combination is not bad. But I did not find a fork, and had to adjust with a spoon. I learnt that using my fingers would have been better.

7. I can't decide if right now, I'm in a good mood or bad. Trust me thats how jobless I tend to become, even with nearly 2500 pages of heavy duty reading to do, before my upcoming exams!

8. I'm bored as hell of my clothes, half of which might dupe the census survey board to classify me in the BPL range, the other half which have become the bone of bearing the brunt of my hatred towards tailors in Chennai, and the third half(ya ya...I know, this is not a math lesson!) which makes me miss my tailor back home!!

9. I think I killed a lizard while sweeping my home today. I did not do it on purpose. I'm thankful, that the lizard is such an underrated reptile. Imagine if I had killed a crocodile instead....

10. I've been thinking of buying a camera. Extremely inspired by this. But I figured, I'll restrict myself to writing things which make no sense. There is no point offending reality. It never gets offended( and they call me thick skinned!).

Net Profit from Advertisement..Finally!!!

Its been one of those week ends that I was waiting for. And when it came, it brought with it a spectrum of emotions and also gave me the time to revel in each one of them that actually makes me feel that this week end particularly lasted for 8 days. But that, in no way deters my week end from being any more desirable that it was before it actually began. Well, I'm not exactly trying to prove the Pythagoras Theorem here, but there is still a point I'm trying to make which will probably be made by the time we get to the last word of what I'm writing.

First of all I'd like to tell you, vodafone does not as promised, follow you everywhere you go. Because it does not even follow me from my home to the conference room at my work place, (which is in the heart of the capital city of Tamil Nadu, leave alone the home of some monkey in a Godforsaken tropical rainforest in Zaire) where if in my blasted luck I should get a phone call on my cell phone, that I choose to answer, I have two options:
1. yell into the phone, which will in fact defeat the purpose of Graham Bell's invention, and will instead make me audible to the person who has called without the aid of the modern day invention.
2. make me the author of Meghadhootam (part 2) that will necessitate sending a message through the blowing winds and the passing clouds to the person trying to reach me frantically to ask if i want an add on credit card from citibank.

Secondly, Dove range of hair care products, which I purchased with a greater amount of expectation than I'd probably have from my prospective partner, does not result in my hair feeling so beautiful, that I want to keep touching it. The question remains as to whether my hair is a challenge to Dove or Dove is a challenge to my hair or whether both are so unfit that my hair could serve as an alternative to scotch brite.(I need to yet find an alternative use to Dove shampoo. That makes my hair feel more useful than the Rs150+Rs150 - shampoo+ conditioner of darling dearest Dove. Or whether that is just a lack of my creativity, I cannot tell.)

Thirdly let me tell you Bournvita never gave me the 'tan or man ki shakti' or Boost was never ever the 'secret of my energy' , that kept me awake during the exams. Usually, it was the fear, that a 'best friend' would get more marks than me, that kept me awake. As I grew older it was the caffiene content in coffee or tea that kept me awake to complete the most boring 'types of winding up of companies' that constituted my Corporate law syllabus.

I'm not trying to prove that advertisements are a farce and should be banned as contributing to misleading majority population or something as fanciful, that would make the conservative school elect me as their next leader. The only thing I'm trying to tell you is that how often I've been so let down by these advertisements, like the ulta perk, i purchased with so much expectation and then cursed myself for breaching my diet for something as bad tasting as that. The list can go on.

But come on!!!I did not take the effort of writing this for this stupid purpose. The reason i'm writing is that just yesterday, I actually was benefitted from, I forget the name of that guy, you know, the one who dances around on the Dominos advertisement - Thirty minutes, nahi tho freeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I don't live on a staple diet of pizzas. But hunger, and laziness to cook up a meal, and we resorted to the phone number of Dominos pizza. We placed our order at 9.12p.m. simple - 2 medium margharita pizzas with olives on top. I'm not sure if the guys actually went to Italy to get the olives or to switzerland to get the cheese or whereever else to get the flour for the base, because when the Pizza came at 10.18p.m. we were more than ready to exercise our fundamental right. Believe me, I have greater difficulty in remembering that the freedom of movement is a fundamental right as per Article 18 (thats the wrong Article? 15? 14?)of the Constitution of India, than remembering the - 30 minutes, nahi tho free rule.

We had called and reinforced our right. But for those of you who like me do not know, there is an indemnity clause which restricts liability to Rs.300. Anyway we ended up paying only Rs.100 for a 400 Rs. bill, and the net profit of Rs.300 atleast covers up the loss I incurred in the purchase of Dove's Extra Moisturising hair care products which did not moisturise at all.

Memories in Pune....

In the last few days, I have missed the city that was witness to the years of my most significant evolution. The city - which shaped me, my dreams and may be even a large part of my destiny. I entered that city, fresh from school, to kick start my legal education, and spent five long years in the city that did not seem even half as long. Pune gave me some of the best moments of my life, and I wish I could have captured them all into a capsule. But leave alone capsule, I have not even frozen those moments into the stills of optical science’s greatest contribution ever- photography!!! But I won’t brood because those moments are so vivid that I don’t really require the assistance of science to keep my spirits high. My memory space is adequate, and as of now penning this down serves the purpose.

Certain things and places are dearest to me and as an ode to all of them, here goes:

The railway station:

Being at a train station always gives me the jitters. I had to worry about whether my I was carrying my ticket, whether it was booked for the right day and date, whether I had reached the station at the right time. I verified by pulling my ticket out a million times and then put it back only to check for it again, as if mysteriously, it will disappear into platform ‘twelve and three quarters’ or a stray magic wand would have changed the date and time printed on the face of it. I also nurse fears about whether I had packed the necessary things, my books especially, if I was going on study leave and whether I will be able to enter the train with all my things, though my luggage was never out of the lines of control. And last, but not the least thanks to the sleazy men that only God knows why He really created, whether I will be able to board the train with most of dignity in place.

This was a place that brought me contrasting emotions depending upon my purpose of being there. As I was leaving for home, it was a special feeling, I looked forward to going home, where I would be the celebrated iconic figure. Self praise is one thing, but when I hear my mother bragging about the university rank I recently secured, or the moot my team recently won or the internship I had secured with a law firm, it made me feel like God Himself. Those are the times when I choose to completely concur with the theory of Aham Brahmaasmi (I am the Brahman). Not to mention the times when I return to Pune, so alone at the station, so unwelcome in the city, so uncared for, yet where I will survive and be King!

The auto wallahs deserve a special auto ratna award. They will, except for an errant few, run on the standard route and will charge the appropriate sum, unlike most of their brethren in Madras, where like a parallel to the world wrestling federation runs the biggest farce in terms of auto fares!!!

Kamala Nehru Park

This place has a fond space in my heart, as being the park where most of my attempts to shape up took place. I have run, jogged, walked and stretched in the precincts of this spacious garden, and watched the retired couples brace their lives post sixty with such hearty enthusiasm. The naariyal pani (tender coconut) seller outside became the significant provider of the only healthy food I consumed. Then were the numerous ‘chat’ shops a friend I always munched over, the kachchi dabeli stall which sold the second best kachchi dabeli in the city and the sweet little Dattatreya Temple, whose presiding deity became the answerer of most of my prayers for good marks, winning moots and ultimately having secured a good job. Then was the mithai dukaan around the corner…Am racking my brains to remember the name…was a R.M. Ghadke and sons if I remember right that sold Pedas and displayed them so well that I was mostly drooling at the pedas and most often than not gave into my desire and nullified the effect of my exercise. Soon, I discovered a little lane that turned in left so that I could avoid the fatal attraction.

Walks in lanes of Prabhat Road

I have a theory I often share. If you are bored, there are few things you can do: go for a movie/ go shopping/ eat out. But when you are bored and penniless, there is even less that you can do, and one of that is just what Kanksha and I did. We almost had the map of the bylanes of Prabhat Road by the back of our hands, walking round and round and round discussing everything under the sun. And if it had rained the trees formed a wet, green canopy above us, and the damp roads and the humid weather!!! Ah that was life….

Kaka Halwai and Chitale Bandhu Mithai Wale

Well, two sweet shops that rule the world!!! Kaka Halwai was the greatest factor for my never losing weight, and Chitale Bandhu was the reason my parents looked most forward to my home coming visits, when I would never fail to carry their favourite Bhakarwadi. If you, dear reader don’t know what I’m talking about, I would suggest that you make a visit to the city solely for the purpose, as no amount of my explanation will do the sweet-tangy-salty savoury any justice.

The numerous Rasvanthi Grahs

It essentially means juice centres and in the context of Pune, refers to the umpteen sugar cane juice centres in the city, which will amaze you with the absence of a single fly. A tall glass is simply divine, and for those who have the taste, a dash of lime and ginger provides a variant from the standard. Priced nominally at 5 Rs.- 6 Rs for a glass, and offering health and taste simultaneously, it is adequate reason why a true nationalist should start an “anti foreign cola” campaign. That brings me to:

Lakshmi Road:

Of course, the city of Pune has all the features of a modern city, with shopping malls mushrooming all over. But to pamper the true shopper in you, visit Lakshmi Road. The variety of trinkets, earrings, hair clips, bands, bangles, hand bags, chappals…You can go there almost every day, and yet not be bored and get lost in the lanes of where I discovered paradise. The splash of colour in the bed spreads and curtains on display is a sure shot cure to a bad mood swing. There is also a shop which name I don’t remember…which sells the world’s best plastics, tubs, buckets - all shapes and sizes. That’s where Kanksha and I spotted the enchanting- white with black flowered dinner set. God!!! We would have both agreed to get married to any donkey, if the dinner set came as a gift or dowry!!

The Rainy Mornings:

When class is at 7.15 a.m. and its been pouring without a break for the last 4 days, when the roads are water logged, and the leaves of the trees are dripping, when the umbrella is not sufficient shelter and when the thought of water now makes you sick, we still needed to get to class at 7.15. A cuppa chai at the canteen after the first class, or the tapri wallah over a warm smoke and conversation for my friends, and over simply conversation for me, was what woke us up after the first lecture, through which most of us continued our sleep.


The Zillion quaint eateries:

Actually, I would have to dedicate entire chapters to the zillion quaint eateries we ate at. But for the sake of brevity:

Vohuman Café(spelling mistake?)
The world’s best cheese omlet. I only managed to eat there a couple of times, because the guilt of being a Brahmin and consuming an egg created waves of high frequency disturbances in my brain. So the refrain became better that the indulge.

The Nameless Kachchi Dabeli Wallah on the corner turning of J.M.Road
Now this has a story as well. It goes that I had the debit card of a bank which only had two A.T.Ms in the entire city of Pune. The nearest was about two kilometres from my hostel. So if I ever needed money, Kanksha and I would embark on a project- to walk and walk back. Why we walked and decided not to take a bus or auto is a question I would answer in Kansha’s voice: because walking rids thighs of cellulite!! But as we talked and walked, the combination of our hunger and the inviting aroma, would beckons us to enjoy the Dabeli there. Sigh!!!memories….

Fantasy
Fantasy was the owls flocked. And the nocturnal binge in strawberry thick shake was the factor that egged on the non-alcohol-drinkers to be awake at those ungodly hours. This place is shut tight in the day time, as the owner believes in catering to the niche population of owls that did not have sclerotic vision.

German Bakery
The biggest attraction at Koregaon Park, apart from the park and Osho’s ashram German Bakery is a way of communicating to the vegetarians of the world that the cause of vegetarianism is totally worth and completely rewarding. The desserts here are worth a life time and you could also chance upon a hot doped greek lost in the figments of his imagination.

Chaitanya Dining
The place where I was exposed to the world’s best paranthas, the world’s best rajma chawal and the world’s best dal maakhni. And if I forget the Shahi Lassi I can well be convicted for a crime that may be even the President would never grant clemency for. The large glass is a challenge and a bigger one for me than resisting the melting butter on my hot Parantha that Kanksha always eyed disapprovingly.

Peppinos:
Kanksha called it Poppinos and that makes it sound more appetising than its real name. the place where I had juice of the combination of apple, guava and banana, not to forget the Naachos with cream cheese…. Am sure hungry….


Anand Bakery
Again an olden-golden bakery that sold cream rolls and other snacks that are worth a life time. The biscuits were a marvel too. Biscuits remind me of:


Shrewsbury at Kayani
Seems to be handed down to Pune from the Colonial era, the Shrewsbury biscuits are actually worth a special birth. The shop will shut at the stroke of eight.(or six?) and even if you go down on your knees pleading, there will be no mercy. I told you, it’s worth another janma.

Am sure you must be wondering why every soul in that city of bliss is not over weight. Well that’s a question even I have pondered over, rather pointlessly. Pune is like a game of trasure hunt with little secrets waiting to be discovered. A city of convenience, of absolutely no pretensions. More so a city where life is at its best or can I say best ‘est’?