Scared to Smile...

I'm too scared to smile any more,
Someone's jealous of my joy.

A well said joke,
A bout of stinging sarcasm,
A subtle, secret exchange.

I must stand stoic.
I must stand stoic.

I have had some good times,
But that attracted prying eyes,
I'm too scared to smile any more,
Someone's jealous of my joy.

And though the good times are back,
I know the graph by now,
And not stupid enough to make believe,
That those eyes have stopped to follow me.

And though I wait for my phone to ring,
I wait for those late night calls,
I know the fairy will cease to sing,
And then I will fall.

But I must stand stoic.
I must stand stoic.

I'm too scared to smile any more,
Someone's jealous of my joy.

From Me to Myself- A letter to the 18yr old me.

When I saw this on Merc's blog, my brain which has already been woking overtime since this morning was sort of sneering at the other part of my brain which keeps hushing it.

Active Brain: See you fool!!wake up! Everyone's brains are meant to work. Stop campaigning for the lazy brain syndrome.

Lazy Brain: Oh ok...good for you. You found another idiot like you. Enjoy!!!

So basically, this is an attempt to put me under the magnifying glass, in communication with the 'me' that I was some six years ago.

Nivi,

Am sure you are wondering who exactly I am with the kind of time and inclination as this to give free advice and that too to a stranger.You might not know me now, but you shall definitely recognise me one day, and that day you'll give me a hug because you will know that it has been stupid to disregard my words of wisdom.

You must first learn that dreams will be dreams, and will stay that way. So don't imagine yourself arguing before the full judge bench of the Supreme Court, you aren't even going to argue before a 1/100th bench. What you are infact going to do, is sign up for the most boring job in the world which neither measures up to your pocket nor your intellect. But since you have a great deal of dedication in you, you will still see traces of the trait half a decade later, that will suddenly fire up and catapult you into an orbit and will leave you there until you maintain some momentum.

You should also know that clarity in decision making is supremely and positively more important than the decision. Life is not always about giving it the best shot, its also about directing your efforts only into necessary channels and not into some moronic men who like the black hole will fleece you of all your energy and vitality, and will leave you with the value of a game ball in a spell of examinations. You will also learn the everyone has the fundamental right to be mean, snide and horrid to you. And you have the same right too. If you in the garb of your value system decide not to exercise it, the law of waivers will prevail.

You will also learn to be alone, hated and unwanted.If none of these words feature in your dictionary now, make sure to leave some space for them, cos otherwise in the process of gaining their territory they will forcefully evict peace, joy and smile, without leaving any scope for right or remedy. You will have mastered the art of walking past a person giving him/her the impression that you never noticed, when actually you'd have even done a better job than a super powerful microscope. You will also have gone to a restaurant all by yourself and watched a movie alone. May be in another few years you'd even walk into a pub and sip your drink alone. I'm not saying it's a bad life coming your way, I'm saying its going to be terrible.

You will also learn that your temper does you no bloody good at all. If you dislike X there are other ways of showing him that, rather than transforming your vocal cords into a blaring loud speaker at the very sight of which people shut their ears anyway.

In the coming years, one day you will suddenly wake up to the fact you are single, and have no life! You will then realise that finding love is hard for you beacuse in your own analysis, you are not the average girl. You will eventually become so paranoid that you will begin to wonder if ever you will find 'the' man. You will also learn that even in love there is always selfishness. You are a baby now, and though it might be hard to digest you must know that 'you' are never priority for anyone else, even if you are dying or almost dead, and have no sins in your account tally.

You will also learn that you will never be thin or less fat than what you are now. You will be so sure of dying of renal failure or a chocked artery with all that Ghee from the sweets you ate. But hell thats the only thing which will make you happy without any immediate threats or risks or dangers such as the feeling of being taken for granted and being walked upon like a door mat. So you will rate food as the greatest investment with least risk and great returns!

Somethings, particularly some people will never change and you will learn the art of keeping them out of your way. You will have also frozen your heart so hard, that you will find ample justification in doing that.

But in all this disarray, you will still be in the wait. After all, optimism is the only thing that keeps you from getting suicidal. You will still have dreams. You will still make plans to chase them, and atleast try to execute those plans. And just in case all the above has scared you to death, let me give you the last piece of bad news - you will still be alive!

Love and best wishes,

Edita Krishnan

(Edita cos thanks to technology, you are denied the right to use ur whole name here...n krishnan cos u realise it makes up for the incomplete first part)

Well thats you...with a sense of humour so good that no one can ever get you :P

INSPIRED....

See I feel a sense of achievement right now, a sense that I did not even have when I got two marks more in math in the class 12 board exams than the girl the math teacher expected to score a centum. Imagine if she had scored a centum, then what my score would have been! I would have created history in the records of the Central board of secondary education. But fortunately or unfortunately, that was not to be, and I had to make do with creating a record in the history of my technological advancement.

Truthfully, I’d have been happier off with just pen and paper. Mind you I have accepted change enough to think that feather and ink are too complicated a way of writing (not to mention my acquired fear of birds and feathers).

When irony strikes, it strikes in a way that makes things all the more ironical. I bought a laptop in November 2007, and did a great job of maintaining it without even a fingerprint until recently. One fine day, I read an old friends blog, and decided that even I had amazing talent which I should not waste. And so I decide to utilise my talent at the cost of using my laptop, which is going to depreciate in value anyway. I did enough research to get an internet connection. I finally got one based on cable. I wish to believe I am possessed with all the information I ought to have. After all the right to information has become a fundamental right, and one to which I dedicate most of my working time. And so I asked the fellows marketing it a million questions about the product they were selling, though I really did not understand much of the speed details they were giving me. 256kbps sounded like a good figure, and more fun than a 1000kbps…ummm..that would become 1 mb right? See I am improving…And they gave me answers politely enough not to scoff at the time capsule in which I was stuck.

Despite my clear instructions explaining to them that they should not come to do any installation work during the convenient hours of the day, in order to avoid my grand mothers growing inquisitivity about what really the internet is,(she kinda thinks its like alcohol- its immoral whether you do it before 18 or after) they still landed up exactly when I told them not to. But they managed to do the work under her prying eyes. Poor thing she must have thought it as bad as bringing an egg into a good Brahmin household, but see technology seems to have had its effect on even her.

We then set to the task of finally having the internet on my laptop. I’m sure even she (my laptop) feels like a complete woman now, make up et all. Must have felt so barren without the world wide web accessible to her. Everyone speaks about downloading movies and videos and games and music. Ha!!! guess what my first download was? Not such a tough question after all. It was a phokat anti virus package, and that’s what gave me the inspiration to write this, even though I don’t know how to type, without searching for the keys( so the inspiration must have been considerable). Which moron said that money was of great value? He should have met me. He would be amazed at how I manage to be inspired by the worthless…ahem…I stand corrected…Priceless, it is. But ah!!! the download complete window on my screen, felt like it was extending its hands out to give me a trophy in appreciation. I had done it!!!