Stilled

I heard there is a virus in the air which is giving half of this city a bad time! But I also think there is another of these microscopic organisms thats giving half the bloggers a "writers block". Have been reading quite a bit these days hoping I suddenly get the inspiration! And I've seen a considerable quantity of ranting.

I'm not sure what it is. And I cannot seem to make out my mood . I'm not even under one of those cribby, whiny spells. I think I've resigned to fate or something. Whoa!!thats scary...but what ever. But yes I think I'm kinda waiting for a lot of things to happen. This is a funny phase you know- this 22-25 age, where you're done or atleast almost done with education. You've got a job, but still finding your waters on the job. And you know you've got to be patient. Just stay still for a while and only then the sea won't swallow you. The fact is you know at 24 you are not really "settled" in your job. But hell you can't be settled at 24.Then you be bloody buried by 32!

Then its the love life. At this age you probably have a girl friend /boy friend whom you really love or something. But whether marriage will be a necessary fall out of that, you can never say. You're in the waiting there as well. Insecurites hover around. May be this relationship has none of the sparkle left from the college days when it first begun. May be profession takes a priority. May be distance takes a toll. May be he/she is just not the one. what do you do? Wait! I don't mean to sound like a fatalist. But really there's nothing much you could do...And if you are my pathetic single bloke, then you register on one of these matrimonial sites, and wait for Cupid's arrow to strike your heart. Its pretty much like that...Not like in college when you've got deadlines and proper yard sticks. And could smoke up or get so drunk and think it solved every possible issue that required to be addressed. At 24 you know that its not true and its terrible to get to work with a hang over. Plus there's this voice of responsibility that kinda never shuts up. So you begin doing silly things like binge on food or clothes or something.

You've got your dreams and they get bigger by the day. Well they're meant to. But you cannot go all out for them. You don't have the darned dough for it!! What do you! Bulls eye! Wait. It reminds me of those finger on lips (that sounds corny for some reason now!) sessions in primary school, when we were asked to just shut up for a few minutes. I remember even then I used to get uneasy. Silence is just not my cuppa tea, you see. And so even now, I feel like a jack in the box waiting for life to start.

Or I'm not sure if this period of inertia is like a period of thanksgiving for all that you got until now, and in preparation for the rickety rockety ride that follows. Its a cranky phase you know, like one of those arbit stops the train makes in the middle of nowhere because its not got the go signal. And I'm getting impatient and fat, munching on all those fillers!

From Me to Myself- A letter to the 18yr old me.

When I saw this on Merc's blog, my brain which has already been woking overtime since this morning was sort of sneering at the other part of my brain which keeps hushing it.

Active Brain: See you fool!!wake up! Everyone's brains are meant to work. Stop campaigning for the lazy brain syndrome.

Lazy Brain: Oh ok...good for you. You found another idiot like you. Enjoy!!!

So basically, this is an attempt to put me under the magnifying glass, in communication with the 'me' that I was some six years ago.

Nivi,

Am sure you are wondering who exactly I am with the kind of time and inclination as this to give free advice and that too to a stranger.You might not know me now, but you shall definitely recognise me one day, and that day you'll give me a hug because you will know that it has been stupid to disregard my words of wisdom.

You must first learn that dreams will be dreams, and will stay that way. So don't imagine yourself arguing before the full judge bench of the Supreme Court, you aren't even going to argue before a 1/100th bench. What you are infact going to do, is sign up for the most boring job in the world which neither measures up to your pocket nor your intellect. But since you have a great deal of dedication in you, you will still see traces of the trait half a decade later, that will suddenly fire up and catapult you into an orbit and will leave you there until you maintain some momentum.

You should also know that clarity in decision making is supremely and positively more important than the decision. Life is not always about giving it the best shot, its also about directing your efforts only into necessary channels and not into some moronic men who like the black hole will fleece you of all your energy and vitality, and will leave you with the value of a game ball in a spell of examinations. You will also learn the everyone has the fundamental right to be mean, snide and horrid to you. And you have the same right too. If you in the garb of your value system decide not to exercise it, the law of waivers will prevail.

You will also learn to be alone, hated and unwanted.If none of these words feature in your dictionary now, make sure to leave some space for them, cos otherwise in the process of gaining their territory they will forcefully evict peace, joy and smile, without leaving any scope for right or remedy. You will have mastered the art of walking past a person giving him/her the impression that you never noticed, when actually you'd have even done a better job than a super powerful microscope. You will also have gone to a restaurant all by yourself and watched a movie alone. May be in another few years you'd even walk into a pub and sip your drink alone. I'm not saying it's a bad life coming your way, I'm saying its going to be terrible.

You will also learn that your temper does you no bloody good at all. If you dislike X there are other ways of showing him that, rather than transforming your vocal cords into a blaring loud speaker at the very sight of which people shut their ears anyway.

In the coming years, one day you will suddenly wake up to the fact you are single, and have no life! You will then realise that finding love is hard for you beacuse in your own analysis, you are not the average girl. You will eventually become so paranoid that you will begin to wonder if ever you will find 'the' man. You will also learn that even in love there is always selfishness. You are a baby now, and though it might be hard to digest you must know that 'you' are never priority for anyone else, even if you are dying or almost dead, and have no sins in your account tally.

You will also learn that you will never be thin or less fat than what you are now. You will be so sure of dying of renal failure or a chocked artery with all that Ghee from the sweets you ate. But hell thats the only thing which will make you happy without any immediate threats or risks or dangers such as the feeling of being taken for granted and being walked upon like a door mat. So you will rate food as the greatest investment with least risk and great returns!

Somethings, particularly some people will never change and you will learn the art of keeping them out of your way. You will have also frozen your heart so hard, that you will find ample justification in doing that.

But in all this disarray, you will still be in the wait. After all, optimism is the only thing that keeps you from getting suicidal. You will still have dreams. You will still make plans to chase them, and atleast try to execute those plans. And just in case all the above has scared you to death, let me give you the last piece of bad news - you will still be alive!

Love and best wishes,

Edita Krishnan

(Edita cos thanks to technology, you are denied the right to use ur whole name here...n krishnan cos u realise it makes up for the incomplete first part)

Well thats you...with a sense of humour so good that no one can ever get you :P