Arranged Marriage & the Associated Aarbatam...

I'll tell you what, I have been thinking of doing this for a very long time now. I did not realise until recently, and now that have, I just surprised myself, that the reason for the refrain is that I seemed to have acquired my parents fears. But now that enlightenment has dawned upon me, I just don't care about what the repurcussions of doing this would be. Well, enlightenment should prove a point right?

An obvious fall out of my sad saga of singlehood (not sure if its so sad, but I like alliterations....so) was the tragic triumph of the arranged marriage institution. Coming to think of it now, it reminds me of an ambulance for the following reasons:

1. it is a rescue vehicle for the singletons who like me have failed to incidentally saunter upon their love.

2. once you are in it, it will send out flashes of red light and a deafening siren of your arrival on the scene of the 'eligibles'.

3. it will take you no where else, but to a hospital where you will poked, pricked, and pierced(i know they all mean almost the same, but i love the alliterations) and most probably end up dead, injured or at least scarred for life.

Somewhere along the way, i think i just turned out lucky. Plus of course, I'm intelligent (yes I am!!)and I'm a woman. So that gives me the sixth sense advantage. I could smell the fish in the pie (well thats my own idiom if you were wondering, I'm a contributor to the english language) and since I perpetually run a campaign to 'save my life', (i'm experienced at this you see) I decided to jump off the emergency vehicle, because after all, there was no emergency.

But as long as I was on it I met people who should rightfully have made a reservation in Madam Tussad's before they embarked on their earthly visit. There are different kinds of atrocious people. Let me list them out for you:

1. The type who has not tried magic oil for rejuvenating hair growth (on the head, before I am misunderstood), or hair weaving, or Dr. Batra's helpful homeopathy, but expects his girl to have spent every penny of the savings of the seven generations before her on VLCC or Talwarkars. I really think what such men need is a mirror, not a wife.

2. The foreign maaplai, whose marketing, advertising and branding is all done by his mommie dearest who is already jealous that the daughter-in-law would get to see the Niagra falls before she does.

3. The poor software engineer whose education failed to teach him that slavery was abolished really long ago, and that therefore if he is expecting servile dedication towards his parents he might as well do it himself and not look for a personal assistant under the falsified designation of a wife.

4. The super duper desperate men, I'm talking about the ones who will be the real beneficiaries if prostitution was legalised, (and I stand for it) and who stare at your breasts before they take a look at your face. (I don't intend to be funny here. So those who are laughing, its not a joke please). I don't think they need a wife, rather they don't deserve one.

5. The type who list out specifications about the wife-to-be with the confidence that bio technology has advanced enough to provide genetically adjusted wives, only there is a slight hitch there. Mothers of such boys should have within years after the birth of the slpendid son found another woman, who agreed to modify the genes of her prospective off spring. Marriage would then indeed be a contract, and I would have been spared preparing that really painful essay on my analysis of why marriage under Hindu Law cannot strictly speaking be termed a contract.

6. The type whose idea of a perfect first date involves a discussion about whether the next government would be formed by the Congress or the BJP or if life may be discovered on Pluto or if oil resources would last another decade or ten? Why do I care? For this type, you know what, you don't need a wife, just write in to Barkha Dutt to be a part of her show. That will serve your purpose.

7. The type who almost deserves a wife, those who will almost make you say that this world is not so bad after all, but just in time to nick your dreams, will look at his mommies face, the decision making authority of his life. The one who is a complete shame to the notion of all the masculinity one can reasonably associate with men. Grow up son! Then look for a wife, once you have managed to struggle free of her pallu.

8. Those that think marriage is a risk, and who will try and find insurance policies to try and cover them. Those who think they are standing at the tip of a tank full of H2SO4 and who will ultimately die inhaling the fumes or rather kill themself inhaling it. You know what, consider Sanyasa, it's the best option for you, and has the added feature of assuring a place in heaven and freedom from the cycle of re-birth.

If you think I'm exaggerating you are free to do so, its a democracy you see, and a constitutional right to think. But somehow after the brief experience I have decided to leave my life to the game of mathematical probability rather than exert any kind of efforts in the direction. The risk is not worth the patience, but is sure entertaining. Variety is certainly the spice of life, but when the spice is so strong that you nose and eyes and ears feel like a fire engine, you can rethink the measure of spice you want.