Ummm... I don't know!

Well, right now I think my blog would have been ready to write its last and final testament (read: will), but for the complete absence of a fitting heir. And so, it decides to pull on, in the dreary winter of Bangalore, with the last remanants of its owner's sympathy.

It's not only lately, that I've realized that my conversations are vastly different from what they used to be some time ago. It's more about prices of vegetables and pulses, how to set the curds, and the best way to wash my husband's whites. Damn! I think I never did notice the little house holder creep under my skin. And I see it's here to stay for a long long time to come. I'm unsure how to assess this change, and whether to classify it as good or bad. It's possibly inevitable, and a necessary part my evolution from a girl to a wife. It's also something I cannot avoid like the way I ignore fashion.

It's the effect of age that no therapy or spa or plastic surgery can mask. It seems to have its own world of fundamental rights, and its right to be present in everyone's life is undeniable. I can see that things will swell from here, and I must admit that there is a certain amount of excitement, that real adult life is now mine.

I pride in buying green peas at five rupees lesser than the colleague who sits across my table, and yet every morning the thought of fixing breakfast and lunch exerts more pressure on me than finishing an assignment at work. It's evolution I think and it's natural.

Achcham Undu- Achcham Undu!!

Its rarely that I take the initiative to book movie tickets. I do it out of extreme emotion, and ya may be when I'm pmsing. This was one such circumstance too. I was compelled to want to watch a tamil movie. The one running at the hip' multiplex was the title of this post.

Well, I don't usually take the trouble of reading reviews before I watch a movie. I do not like to bias my mind. But really, it's no such fancy thought.

The movie I'd say was good. Very good.

Its cosy and tart, with the perfect humour,that does not make it embarrassing while watching with a male counter part. None of that indecent, sex oriented comedy, that has brought me to loathe tamil cinema, dominated by the prototyped, cliched slapstick humour. This one was good, with a fair dose of romance between the hero and heroine, a married couple settled in New Jersey, with one daughter, a son on the way, a beautiful home and a snazzy convertible.

When they decide to paint their basement, they unknowingly, hire the services of a paedophile painter, who abducts and kills children. Their adorable daughter is his next target. And the movie is centred around his attempt to get her, and their escape. What I also loved about this movie is that they decide to heed their sixth sense, which continuously, sends out warning signals.

Although the story is not gory or bloody or violent, I let out a squeal of fright, some where midway where the scene does get you on the seat's edge.

It culminates, on a good note with the happily ever after end, and some irksome facts about child sex abuse around the world. I appreciate the movie in all earnest, and recommend that every parent and child watch this movie, to come to terms with the real world.

What I did miss, was my dear 'H', who is out of town, and butter popcorn and coke, which I skipped, thanks to the little guilt worm, which has now caught up with me.

Cheers!!!

The Guilt Worm's Appearance

One morning as I lazily strolled into my office complex trying my best to fake repentance for being late yet again, and trying even harder to appear as if in a hurry, I glanced drooling at the attractive display board of a french cafe that seemed to have opened recently. "La Boulangerie" I read aloud, in a fake and probably very incorrect french accent. And so that cafe became a delightful item on my to-do list.

I went there yesterday. A friend and I in fact. And I've been trying to lose weight. Thinking of that, I get the feeling I've been doing that since I was in my mother's womb. No. May be I'm wrong. May be I died fat in my previous birth. I'm still working on it. Mind you.

Ok. Detour. Apologies.

The stuff on display was so inviting. I did not care to think I was never going to achieve the feat of being able to see my

toes, without bending over. So we ordered. Not garishly. Just sensibly. One at a time till we reached satiety. And went right past that. I think I've got a rule in friendship. I only make friends with those who love food. We almost always catch up over food. And we never order diet cokes or salads.

When we finished I felt a little guilt worm tugging at my heart. And so did she (my friend I mean). But it did not matter. There was reason to celebrate ( and when there's no reason, we're eating cos we're depressed. It's a conspiracy if you did not note.)

The worm now has my whole heart in its claws. But i give myself time. Four days. I'm finally settling down. I 'm going to do something about the excess kilograms. And I certainly don't want this to be my dying wish.

The lethargic,loose-ended rabbit!

I've been pampering myself with luxury lately. Lots of time to just settle into the new life I have become acquainted with. At the end of most days, if I try to take stock of what exactly I have accomplished, it would take not considerate effort in arriving at result zilch. Well, hugs to me. I love me.

So prolonged leave from work - physical and professional. The only thing I exert my mind over is the ocassional su-doku in the Hindu. I read, constant mental exercises keep Alzhimer's/Parkinson's at bay. I think thats the only illness I'm saving myself from considering my lethargic lifestyle. I've taken the liberty of being foolish and procrastinating about everything I have to do. Money, exams, work, weight. Damn! the last word of that sentence really hurts now. And the harder it hurts, the lesser I do anything about. Thats my definition of tolerance I think. So even though I know nobody really reads this stuff anymore (boo-hoo!! sob!sob!)I still think its worth spending my early morning on.

I'm hoping this phase is drawing to a close. I think my loose ends are being tied up. Nah! I'm not dying yet. Things are not thaaaat final. I'll still be around. I feel like a rabbit now. And on that note, Amen!!!

Cheers to a brighter tomorrow!

Of Cooking and Cowardly Writing

I'm tempted to start this post by explaining my absence so long. Its a horde of reasons. I read this line somewhere:

...you know its a good blog when you have to pause a second before giving the address to someone you already know because there is stuff in there that you do not really want to share...

So there has been more than one ocassion where I've resisted the urge to just come here and pour my heart out, and fret about all those little mean, ugly and nasty things that happened to me or rave and rant about the little sweet somethings that my life has suddenly become filled with, post marriage.

So call me a coward, if thats what it is, but I just can't get myself to spill that fervent emotion here in this space, like I have done on many an ocassion before.

But all this wrangle apart, I have been doing some good stuff on the home front. And I've tried my culinary talent, much to H's delight. One of my own, original recipes, has been published by a dear blog friend here . Inspired by that, I decided to dish out another creative yummy delight, which made us (H and I) laugh till our stomachs ached, and almost made us go hungry last night. Here is what you should not try:

Never mix mango puree with whole wheat flour and have the mistaken impression that you could possibly dole out a mango paratha. Well that just does not happen. What really happens you will waste nearly 2 juicy, tasty mangoes and half a kilo of wheat flour. But if you really want a good laugh, do something more original.

Had your share of cooking disasters? Leave them here...

Living from the pages

Suddenly last evening I felt like I had grown wings.I had walked out of a book shop with some modest shopping in my hands.I had never loved myself as much before. My act was somehow empowering, enhancing, exciting and such similar superlatives that put me up on a pedestal so high, that even I could not reach me.The whole feeling was oddly romantic, and supremely pleasurable.

I cannot claim to be a voracious reader. But I do justice enough to call reading an interest, and have come so far as to have nutured a palate for such writing that is simple enough to implant in me a bit of the story itself.

I live in a collective of my own worlds, built from silly tales of speaking animals and impressive characters from my favourite stories. I live in the descriptive smells of cauldrons boiling with soup and the verbose narrations of the market place of suburban mumbai.I can hear the sounds when I read - be that Noddy's toy car or the brutal beating cracked down on a wife. My chest explodes with breath, as the words unravel before my eyes.

I see every scene as a page out of a writer's book. As if it was her creation and her painting. As if it took birth in text, in slanted cursive writing on yellowing parchment, that was tied into a bundle with some coir rope and abandoned into a corner to gather sweet smelling dust.And when I see it, murky at first and vivdly later,it all looks so unreal. So evasive.Yet enticing enough to beckon me to live in it. And so I do. Live each scene from my life like a chapter from a story that I did not pen. I feel philosophical in one sense. As if I have just conjured up my own theory of life. And then it runs away- my theory- skimpers away like a rabbit, closes itself like touch-me-not even before I reach it.

Dear Almost-dead-blog:

Dear Almost-dead-blog:

Hi!

My fingers have been itching to post something in here. Ever since I got married. Phew!!!finally!! It was not that difficult. Pretty matter of fact ain't it? Everyone gets married. And so did I.

My thoughts are still hazy. But my emotions are not. And I will let them flow. I won't keep them bottled any more.

Suddenly I feel disjoint,
I feel scattered up in pieces,
Some parts fresh, and some foiled,
I'm finally out of recess.

I don't want to pick up my past,
I will just let it be,
I knew those days would never last,
And sometime I will break free.

And now the time has come,
And you have given me your hand,
With you, I've made my run,
To embark upon your sands.

And you welcome me with warmth,
And that I did not own before,
Suddenly I am swarmed,
And you begin to heal my sores.

It is for this I have waited,
Waited for ever now,
For the winds I have waited,
To come and teach me love.

And though I feel disjoint,
I feel I am born,
And now I find the point,
That I have missed this long.

And you take me in your arms,
And we prepare to fly,
I want to break into a dance,
I love to be your wife.

Random me!

Hot Sunday afternoon, and I feel like a house wife for many reasons. I've washed my clothes and left them on the cloth line in the terrace to dry. I've dusted every piece of furniture at home, and swept and swabbed the house. I've also had my lunch and claimed my few hours to myself. Todays a sunday, I'm 24 and feel this way. I wonder what my sunday will be like when I'm 26-28 and I wonder what will happen with the passing of time. Already my eyes feel sleepy and I'm tempted to doze off when I realised I've been tagged by the wonderful Aarabi. Its been ages since I've done a tag! and so I will not let this pass.

10 random things about me. If anyone cares, read on:

1. I love spot lights. Especially when they're focussed on me. Dance, drama, performing arts- you get the drift. I love them all. And hence I feel jealous of performers at lovely auditoriums such as the Anna Arangam and Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan at Chennai and the Ravindra Kalakshetra and the Chowdiah Memorial Hall at Bangalore. 

2. I love sugary food. Just about anything sugary and vegetarian. I think I'm saying this for the umpteenth time on my blog- that I'm darned sure of dying of renal failure. I don't care!

3. I belong to the sun sign - Leo. I'm proud of that and am so grateful that I narrowly escaped Virgo. I dislike Virgo. I'm not sure I have a reason. But I don't like Virgo. In fact the only thing I wanted my life partner not to be is - Virgo!

4. I want to leave behind traces of my life, when I'm dead and gone. Since I'm Hindu, I probably won't have an epitaph. Instead I'll probably author some books.

5. I'd like to be known as a well read person. academic accomplishment is extremely important to me. I do not associate academic excellence and career growth.

6.I'm religious. I like being that way, and I wonder how many more janmas I'll take to be someone like Andaal or MeeraBai.

7. I think I live life by some principles. Mostly. But sometimes, I don't know what comes over me, I just let it temporarily vanish.

8. Till just a while ago, I'd say I wanted to live just until forty. I don't think I subscribe to that view now. Or do I? I'm confused.

9. I think I love the little pleasures of life. Like watching the traffic go by as I sit by myself at Barista, ordering the deadly - devil's bite, rain pelting down outside. Colourful umbrellas. I think I can spot beauty even in the most mundane, urban setting.

10. I can't let go of people. Even at the railway station, I cry like a baby.

Almost every blogger I know has done this one. So I'm not passing it on. Do it if you feel upto it! 

My day. My way.

So many faces, they look at me,
Now I can read the expressions,
Now, after all this time, I can see,
Them brim with with expectation.

I know this is a new phase now,
And there is a different beauty,
And I see it though I don't know how,
I can see it though I'm not so free.

I'm unsure how much my shoulders will bear,
I'm unsure how much I will strain,
But suddenly now I've begun to care,
For a trace of a smile, no matter frail.

It's all so different now,
And I'm not even sure how I feel,
Events will turn though I don't know how,
And I cease to be free.

But still there is pleasure of a sort,
Or am I just trying to cheat me?
I cannot tell my way in the dark,
Yet I feel I can see.

And that is what drives me on,
And that is how I face the day,
And that is why I'm ready for the dawn,
And and pick my shaky way.

Untitled

And now I pour my heart,
For all I have is words,
So many from the past,
I do not have to search.

The tears they now flow free,
The tears - flood me,
Just come down like a mound,
Bringing down with it me.

I was a strong girl once,
Twas something of a pride,
Now for no apparent reason,
Tears well up in my eyes.

And all I have now,
Are just empty empty words,
Once they meant a lot,
Some smiles and a dash of dirt.

They come pouring out of me,
Like the tears from my eyes,
Free flowing words and water,
But where to go from there?

Orphaned, unclaimed, they stay,
To stagnate and and be forgot,
Expect to go as quite as they came,
But leave a messy blotch.

The Wait...

As I wait for a message from you,

I think of the past when  time just flew.

And now the rigid minutes,

Rock solid.

As if they were to say,

That they will hold the day,

Until my phone tells me,

That you are on your way.

Although the reason sounds genuine,

Its my monkey mind,

I wonder whats keeping you,

Trailing so far behind.

Events that have just passed,

Add colour to my thoughts,

I worry my unstable mind over,

The next bridge I am to cross.

I've never been this scared before,

And I'm not a nervous wreck,

Just, my past has taught me,

Lessons I'll never forget.

But I still wait for you,

I know that you will come,

Something's given me cue,

Of the rising sun.

Silly thoughts...

I crept out of bed,
Dead in the middle of the night
Just one thought in my head,
Just one vision holding my sight.

There was this cupboard at home,
A 'meat safe' it was called,
And my oh my it had borne,
The best food that I can think of.

So this night it was a chocolate wafer,
That came to me in my dream,
And that was a juicy offer,
More true than it could seem.

I tip toe in the sleeping house,
Under the night bulb fighting dark,
I can work quite as a mouse,
And will be done in a spark.

In the dark the meat safe stands,
Throwing an admirable silhoutte,
Like a beach with golden sands,
And on my mission I'm all set.

I'm in the midst of a killer life,
And thats why I steal by night,
I'm on a pathetic diet,
And on my way to becoming light.

So I open the safe with trembling hands,
To be transported to cookie land,
I bend and reach out to the jar,
But oh my! I'm terribly far!

It seems like I have a battle,
Before I reach my pot of treasure,
So I prepare for war- horse and saddle,
Ready to take on adventure.

Wonder who my enemy was?
A reptile particularly unlucky with beauty,
In complete violation of nature's laws,
Sat there guarding my booty.

Ugly eyes blink at me,
No fear, valiant warrior,
Enough courage to make me freeze,
That unsightly large lizard!

Well now thats his home,
And he does not move,
My legal skills I'm soon to hone,
And that battle I will not lose.

I sit preparing for an eviction proceeding,
The first of such in history,
My resolve ever increasing,
Against the lizard- to rise in victory.

Still New?

Right! So the new year came, and is still fairly new to warrant the term. Neither did I die nor go into deep slumber in the last few months that I have not been actively blogging. Its also not the lack of inspiring subjects to write on nor the absence of those who inspire me to write.

That clarified, my fortune on Orkut reads some what as such : "Its better to fight and lose rather than not fight at all. " Theoretically, I'm a subscriber to the view and a proud one at that. But all this optimism is too blinding at times.

When my morale took a plunge for the infinity plus infinity th time last week, I came up with a piece of rhyme, I revelled in. But on hind sight, I thought it was too cynical a post to begin the year with, and hence it was trashed.

I was at a temple yesterday, where Andal Kalyanam was performed. Offerings had overflowed, and the sweets that caught my attention were a part of that excess. My reflex thought was about how I could I needed to use no stealth in polishing off that unattended temptation. And I wanted to write.

The other day, I was executing for the umpteenth time of my life a weight loss plan. I happened to notice enthusiastic joggers on the newly built flyover on G.N.Chetty Road. Amused, I decided to blog. That never happened.

I don't know if its coincidental that what I plan never happens and what happen's is usually what I've never planned. But its rather disturbing. So this year, I'm deciding to be open, not expect my plans to work, and still enjoy what eventually works. The decision is like my orkut fortune. And lets see how far I get!